Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
