I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Randomize
