that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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