I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
