i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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