I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
