he thought i was a dude.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
