After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
