Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
