Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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