i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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