Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
