part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
