your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
