happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
We left an ass print on the piano.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
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