my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
