I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
