What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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