ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
