If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. đź’€
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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