The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
