Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize