You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
