That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
