i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
