Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
