to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
The beer is more important than you right now.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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