I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You pole danced in your parka.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
