so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I am midnight drunk by noon
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
It's shark week go big or go home
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
