Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
