i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I think I just sharted jello shots
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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