Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
