i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
