We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
