The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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