when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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