Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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