New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
