Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
