if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
