I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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