both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
