Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
