proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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