just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
