I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
did i just pee glitter
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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