U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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