Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
