i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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