god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
