i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
