But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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