Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
